Top 10 Stories I Hope I Don't Write in 2012

1) Moving on to a different sport, Kim Kardashian marries David Wright. Mets fans enact massive suicide pact.

2) After remaking Bob Dylan’s “You’re Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go,” Miley Cyrus decides to cover Neil Young’s Harvest in its entirety.

3) LMFAO, LFO, REO Speedwagon and ELO tour together. It’s sponsored by Overstock.com.

4) Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez team up for an album of songs about the Twilight Saga. Scientific experts predict that the heads of 15,000,000 teenage girls will explode.

5) Kayne West titles his latest opus, Give This Album the Grammy for Album of the Year or I'll Kill You All.

6) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's baby twins sign a 10-million dollar deal with Def Jam.

7) Nickelback plays between every inning of Game 7 of the World Series. Baseball fans decide to start watching soccer instead.

8) Jay-Z samples that Lexus December to Remember theme for his new single "The 1% OG."

9) Herman Cain covers The Beatles "Revolution #9" and posts it as a free download on his website.

10) Motley Crüe decide to do a residency in Atlantic City, and accuse me of leaking that news before they can appear on the Joe Franklin show to reveal it. (Crap, that’s sort of what happened already.)